I won't give up

Hello. I guess you will be surprised to receive a letter from me. I just happened to check my past posts and I decided to write a new one. To begin with, I am sorry for not being honest with you about my past, that it took just recently for me to let you know about it. It is not because I was able to come up with good excuses for the past but because I want to forget about everything about our past. I want to put them all behind. I will be honest with you this time that I was not serious about you then, because the last time that I became serious with someone, he left me and broke my heart into pieces. I did not want to invest any of my feelings, thinking that it will save from having another heartbreak. We were exchanging texts then but you seemed to be keeping something from me, limiting what you can share with me. I was starting to like you but you have a girlfriend then. I was waiting for the time when you will tell me that you like me too but all you said then is that you like talking with me or hearing from me. You did not say the 'love' word. That's why I made the Jess plan, to let me know if you do really love or serious about me. And believe me, that was the worst thing that I have ever did, and vowed not to do it again. I really am sorry.. 

And about Chris, I was so brokenhearted that time. We became close friends until I realized that I was starting to heal, but not completely. I was laughing with him, no longer thinking about the breakup, and somehow I felt okay. But when he told me that he liked me, I felt a pain in my heart, aching for someone, aching for you. It is true that I liked him too but it was you that I love then. Then I suddenly missed those times when we were together. I knew then that I never really stopped loving you, and that Chris could never replace you. I just hated you for breaking up with me, but there was never a day when I would not wait for your texts. I waited for you each day. I just played hard to get for you to see me as a strong person, that I will not fall apart, and that I can manage to be on my own. But the truth about that is I can't be whole without you. I needed you to be with me in every step of the way. And I was used to having you around me all of the time. I was so incomplete without you. 

I just feel bad that you can't seem to move on from the past, that you always see me as someone who made mistakes and hurt you. I am trying real hard for you to see me as someone who has changed, who can be there for you, who you can trust your heart with that I will never break it again. But you find it hard to trust me. I just keep holding on to the memories that we shared, that somehow you will find your way back to me and you will be willing to start all over again with me. Sometimes when I can feel that you are avoiding me, I will just cry and keep hoping that one day, you will see me as a new and better person. Last night, I felt sad when I mentioned to you that you told me before that it was your dream that we become a couple, and you said that you don't remember it. I felt a pang of sadness that you cannot remember a very good memory like that and just laughed. And again today, I received a text that you were home, when you did not text me beforehand where you will go. It was like I received a text message not intended for me. I kept thinking about it, and I became so confused, and I just had a good cry. Sometimes I feel like you are no longer into me, when I will text you that I love you so much, you will reply with a :))). I really don't know what to think, all I know is that I am still here because I truly love you and very serious about you. I tried to understand you because I know in my heart that everything will be okay with us.