I won't give up

Hello. I guess you will be surprised to receive a letter from me. I just happened to check my past posts and I decided to write a new one. To begin with, I am sorry for not being honest with you about my past, that it took just recently for me to let you know about it. It is not because I was able to come up with good excuses for the past but because I want to forget about everything about our past. I want to put them all behind. I will be honest with you this time that I was not serious about you then, because the last time that I became serious with someone, he left me and broke my heart into pieces. I did not want to invest any of my feelings, thinking that it will save from having another heartbreak. We were exchanging texts then but you seemed to be keeping something from me, limiting what you can share with me. I was starting to like you but you have a girlfriend then. I was waiting for the time when you will tell me that you like me too but all you said then is that you like talking with me or hearing from me. You did not say the 'love' word. That's why I made the Jess plan, to let me know if you do really love or serious about me. And believe me, that was the worst thing that I have ever did, and vowed not to do it again. I really am sorry.. 

And about Chris, I was so brokenhearted that time. We became close friends until I realized that I was starting to heal, but not completely. I was laughing with him, no longer thinking about the breakup, and somehow I felt okay. But when he told me that he liked me, I felt a pain in my heart, aching for someone, aching for you. It is true that I liked him too but it was you that I love then. Then I suddenly missed those times when we were together. I knew then that I never really stopped loving you, and that Chris could never replace you. I just hated you for breaking up with me, but there was never a day when I would not wait for your texts. I waited for you each day. I just played hard to get for you to see me as a strong person, that I will not fall apart, and that I can manage to be on my own. But the truth about that is I can't be whole without you. I needed you to be with me in every step of the way. And I was used to having you around me all of the time. I was so incomplete without you. 

I just feel bad that you can't seem to move on from the past, that you always see me as someone who made mistakes and hurt you. I am trying real hard for you to see me as someone who has changed, who can be there for you, who you can trust your heart with that I will never break it again. But you find it hard to trust me. I just keep holding on to the memories that we shared, that somehow you will find your way back to me and you will be willing to start all over again with me. Sometimes when I can feel that you are avoiding me, I will just cry and keep hoping that one day, you will see me as a new and better person. Last night, I felt sad when I mentioned to you that you told me before that it was your dream that we become a couple, and you said that you don't remember it. I felt a pang of sadness that you cannot remember a very good memory like that and just laughed. And again today, I received a text that you were home, when you did not text me beforehand where you will go. It was like I received a text message not intended for me. I kept thinking about it, and I became so confused, and I just had a good cry. Sometimes I feel like you are no longer into me, when I will text you that I love you so much, you will reply with a :))). I really don't know what to think, all I know is that I am still here because I truly love you and very serious about you. I tried to understand you because I know in my heart that everything will be okay with us. 

Letting Go

Hello. Nagdecide ako na isulat na lang tong letter na to in Taglish para mas masabi ko sayo lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sayo. I tried calling your number para masabi ko sayo to ng personal kasi di naman ako yung taong dinadaan lang sa text, gusto ko masabi ko ng maayos. Pero sa dahilan na di ko alam at wala akong karapatan na malaman, hindi ko matawagan yung number mo. Naiintindihan ko kung ayaw mo ko kausapin or kung ano pa man. Pero sana maintindihan mo ko gaya ng kung gaano kita inintindi nung humingi ka ng space sakin.

Alam mong mahal na mahal kita, inaamin ko yun. Simula ng makipagbreak ka sakin, naramdaman ko talaga yun kaya mas pinili kong mag stay para tulungan ka na magmove on sakin, dahil di ko kayang nahihirapan ka, tiniis ko na madalas mo kong iblame dahil sa mga kasalanang nagawa ko sayo kung yun lang yung way para makamove on ka sakin. Tiniis ko lahat ng sakit para maiparamdam ko sayo kung gano kita kamahal. Halos araw araw kitang nililigawan nun. Nakakatuwang isipin na halos lahat ng brand ng chocolates nun nakumpleto ko na sa pagbibigay ko sayo araw araw. Hinding hindi ko pagsisihan na ginawa ko yun. Hindi rin ako nagsisi na ikaw yung unang lalake na narinig sakin na kumanta, at para sayo talaga yung kantang yun because you make me weak. 

Hindi masama ang loob ko sayo na hindi mo ako binalikan dahil naiintindihan kita. Sa una medyo mahirap tanggapin pero nung tumagal nagets ko din yung point mo. Di rin naman ako nagsisi na nagmahal ako ng sobra sayo. Nagpapasalamat ako na tinuruan mo ako magmahal ng tunay at binigyan mo ko ng chance na iparamdam sayo yun. Totoong hindi kailangan maging tayo para mapakita kong mahal kita. Kung hindi man sapat yun, gusto kong sabihin sayo na mahal na mahal kita higit pa sa inaakala mo. Ikaw lang laman ng puso at isipan ko. Hindi ako nagsawang mahalin ka. Hindi ako nagsawang intindihin ka. At hindi ako nagsawang alalahanin lahat ng good memories natin nun.

Hindi ko malilimutan yung times na magkahawak tayo ng kamay na sobrang higpit na para bang ayaw natin pakawalan ang isa't isa, yung times na magkayakap tayo ng mahigpit na para bang wala ng bukas, yung times na magkikiss tayo na parang huling beses na natin magkikita, yung times na sabay tayong kumakain habang hinahatid mo ko pauwi na susubuan kita tapos isusubo mo rin yung mga daliri ko, yung times na hinahatid mo ko pauwi, yung times na kumanta tayo habang pauwi, yung times na pumupunta tayo sa apartment mo para manood ng movies, yung times na masaya tayong dalawa na naglolokohan, yung times na nagshare tayo ng kwento ng mga buhay natin, at sa iba pang mga times na mas maganda pa sa kahit ano pang love story na maiimagine ko. Hindi mawawala yun sa isipan ko habang nabubuhay ako. 

Naiiyak ako na hanggang isipan na lang yung mga iyon. Na hanggang reminiscing na lang ang mga iyon. Na maaaring hindi na maulit yung mga yun in the future. Pero ang mas masakit maalala ay kung paano kita napabayaan noon. Sana kahit hindi man ngayon, mapatawad mo ko. Hindi ko hinihiling na mahalin mo ulit ako pero sana man lang mapatawad mo ko at matanggap mo na nagkamali ako noon at hindi ko intensyon na saktan ka. Ako inaamin ko sa sarili ko na napatawad na kita sa mga sakit na naramdaman ko sa pagmamahal ko sayo. Hindi ko magagawang magalit sayo. Sana ganun ka rin sa akin. Hindi ako yung taong magtatanim ng sama ng loob kahit kanino. Oo nasaktan ako pero hindi tamang magalit ako sayo dahil mas higit yung pagmamahal na naramdaman ko sayo at yung pagkakaibigan natin. 

Unti-unti ko na ring natatanggap na mas mabuti sigurong maging magkaibigan na lang din tayo. Ayun naman talaga yung hiningi mo sakin dati pa pero ako yung makulit na nakiusap at nagmakaawang tanggapin mo ko. Alam mong ayokong mahirapan ka lang. Ayokong bigyan ka ng pressure at ayoko din pressurin ang sarili ko. Ayokong nakikita kang umiiyak at ayoko ding masaktan pa kita ulit. Kung di ko man naibigay sayo yung pagmamahal na dapat para sayo, sana mahalin mo yung babaeng kayang maibigay sayo yun. Oo masakit para sa akin pero ayun ang tama. May mga bagay talaga na kahit gaano man natin kagusto, hindi natin palaging makukuha. Kung dumating man yung time na magmahal ka na ng iba, sana dumating din yung time na masabi ko sayong "I'm happy for you" and I mean it. Ayokong mas lumalim lang yung sakit na nararamdaman ko na pipilitin ko yung sarili ko na hindi ka guluhin para di kita mapressure na sa tingin mo ay wala akong pakialam. Ayokong magkunwari na wala akong pakialam sayo dahil ang totoo palagi kitang inaalala. Iniisip ko kung nasan ka, kung nakauwi ka na ba, kung okay ka lang ba, at iba pang mga bagay na hindi ko pwedeng itanong sayo dahil wala ako sa lugar para gawin yun.

Sana maintindihan mo ko kung bakit ako humihingi ng space sayo. Hindi ibig sabihin na tinatalikuran ko ang friendship natin. Gusto ko lang makalimot sa sakit at para mabigyan din kita ng space na kailangan mo. Pag okay na ko, handa na ulit akong maging bestfriend mo. Gusto ko lang mabigyan ng pahinga ang puso ko at isip ko. Gusto ko lang magtrabaho ng maayos at hindi maapektuhan ng pagbbreak natin yung work ko. Kung saan ka man ngayon, gusto kong malaman mo na iniisip kita at pinagdarasal kita gabi-gabi na sana okay ka lang at sana makamove on ka din. I wish you all the happiness that you deserve. Masaya ako kung masaya ka. Malungkot ako kung malungkot ka. Kaya hayaan mo ako na sabihin sayo na pag malungkot ka at wala kang ibang mapasabihan, hindi ako magdadalawang isip na makinig sayo, you know how to reach me. And I want to tell you that you mean so much to me, na I may not always be around but you will always have a special place here in my heart. 

Wala po akong magagawa kung hindi mo na talaga bubuksan ang phone mo or magpapalit ka pa rin ng number. Wala naman po akong ginawa sayo and kung meron man dati, pinagsisihan ko na yung mga yun. Napakaikli ng buhay para magalit tayo or sumama ang loob natin sa isa't isa. Isipin mo sana yung times when we had each other. Kung masama man ang loob mo sakin, sana dumating yung time na mapatawad mo na din ako at sana mamiss mo din ako na sana hindi mo ko pinatayan ng phone nung times na yun. Kung meron ka naman ng iba, gusto ko malaman mo na hinahayaan kitang maging masaya sa kanya. Hindi ako manggugulo sa inyo. And I just hope and pray na someday sana marealize mo yung mga nagawa ko para sayo at kung gaano kita minahal. Na hindi kita binitiwan at tinalikuran hanggang huling sandali. Mike, before I let you go I just want to say that I love you, with all my heart and soul. 

I'm on bended knees

I do not know what to say with this letter. But will "I miss you" be enough to let you know how much I missed you over the long weekend? I decided and tried really hard to stop myself from texting you because I know that you don't like the idea of me bugging you and your great time with your family. I do understand all of it. I know how much you missed them and longing to spend some time with them, and I don't want to be selfish and bug you again. 

I may not be texting you but you are running in my mind 24/7, and I'm really going crazy. Because of my longing for you, I made this video. I hope that you would appreciate the works and the meaning among others. I just want you to know that you are the only guy I ever made a video for and I'm proud of it and never regretted it. I hope that together with my love letters, you would keep this with you, because this can be the first and the last time that I have made a video for a guy. 

But among other things, it is the content that I would want to pay attention to. It came from my heart. The five-minute duration of the video may not be enough to tell you how much sorry I am for all those times. It is only you who could tell how apologetic I am for hurting you unintentionally, but somehow I did. And I hated and cursed myself for doing that to you. It would only take five minutes of your time to let you know how I hated my ways of treating you before but it would take forever to hate myself for hurting you that much. There is nothing fancy in this video but a simple and straightforward slideshow of statements to tell you how much sorry I am and how much my heart beats for you until now. 

I will never stop and get tired of saying these things to you:

That I still love you so so much...

That I still care for you very much...

That I keep thinking about you, day and night...

That you are still my dream and my wish...

That you are still the guy I would want to spend my lifetime with...

I love you indefinitely Michael...

I certifiably so love you.

Can't let you go

I have no idea how to start this letter. Up until now, I'm still lost and the words coming out of my mind cannot even express the sadness that I am feeling while I'm writing this letter. I'm so distracted, so confused; it is as if my life has been taken from me. I cannot even write in my diary my loneliness, because eversince, you are the reason why I am keeping a diary. I have so many reasons to grieve, to be depressed and to lose my way. I cannot go on like this. It is so hard to let you go, I cannot really accept it. It has not sinking in me yet. I do not know where to start, how to begin, and how to continue living. 

I kept asking myself, why does it have to be like this? Why is life unfair? Why can't love just conquer everything? It hurts so much that I have to just let you go because you need to build a family, while I have to focus on my career. Just the thought that we can never be together as lovers crushes me into pieces, what more when I see you standing in front of the altar, seeing the man I loved the most saying "I do" to another woman, that would be the worst nightmare that I could ever imagine. But I have to let you go. I don't want to keep you waiting for me in five years time. It is very selfish of me to do that and you do not deserve that. 

I just want you to be happy, and you deserve to be loved by someone much much better than I have done for you. By all means, I'll still be happy for you. I have no time to just cry and stop living, I have to move on. Our good memories are enough to keep me going. I will never forget all the happy and sweet moments that we shared. I will never forget you and everything that we had when we were still a couple. I am contented that I was finally able to fall in love deeply and truly cared for someone, and I have learned how to take good care of someone when he is still mine. I don't want to move on just yet. I want to relive all the happy moments of our relationship and I would keep it forever in my heart. You would always be a great part of my heart and life. 

I can't sleep last night because I was thinking of you, hoping that just in my daydreaming, I would imagine myself being with you, with no one against us, being in your loving arms, holding you tight so that no one could separate us. I love you so much Michael. I can't help but cry while I'm writing this letter to you. I do not know how to make it easier for both of us but let me tell you this, I'll never stop loving you. As long as I can write you a letter, I'll be giving you one. If you need someone to love you, I'll just be here, with an open hand for you. If I was not able to answer your texts, I'm really busy with my work. I would take it as a way for me to replace my longing for you, but anywhere I go, whatever I do, I'm constantly thinking of you. I love you still with all my heart Michael. 

Please forgive me

I would sincerely apologize for what I did today. I was so worried that something bad happened to you, and at the same time, I became tempted to ask questions about you to your officemate. I admit that that was really wrong and inappropriate. I should have kept everything just between the two of us. It was wrong that I asked questions as if I am your wife or girlfriend. I am so selfish that I never thought that it would give you a negative result or feedback, which I hope would not happen. I am really sorry for being so jealous and interrogated her without thinking what might the results be. I don't know if you could still forgive me from every foolish action that I have made and all the hurt that I have caused you. I have never done anything good for you, wherever I go, I cause you problems or pains. I'm sorry for being stupid to do such things. But believe, I will do whatever it takes to regain their respect for you. I'm sorry for giving you a humiliation. I am no longer hoping that you would still want to talk to me or love me. I know this is all my fault and I cannot ever blame you if you would act as if you no longer care about me. I cannot ask you anything. I have done so much problems and mistakes to you. I'm sorry if I disappointed you for going down to that level to think that I am a well-educated person. I need self-control and I need to improve myself first. It is never my intention to humiliate you, if I have to take all the negative comments to regain their respect, I will be more than willing to do that. If I have to say that I am an ex-girlfriend who is clingy and cannot move on, and I keep bugging my ex-boyfriend with my jealousy and selfishness, please tell it to them. I don't want anybody to insult you. I would never ever do that again. I am so sorry.. 

If I have to get away from you to avoid further making stupid actions, I would do it. I don't want to put you again in a trouble. I should have not done that. If you would not want to talk to me anymore, then I will respect you. I am really sorry. I am so immature and I really need to grow mentally and emotionally before entering a relationship. I am sorry for being a pain to you. I know that you are mad at me right now but I hope that someday you will forgive me. You can say bad words to me, or even curse me, if you are really mad at me, I can't do anything about it but say sorry for what I have done. I love you so much and I was taken by my emotions that's why I asked those questions. I had the chance to make it up to you but I blew it with another stupid action. I don't know if you could ever forgive me. But I still hope that you would. You know that I still love you, but I don't know how to show it, when all you could ever think of is all the mistakes that I have done to you. Maybe I should give you ample space so you won't be pressured. I promise I would never bother you again in your office or when you need time for your solitude. I am just here if you are ready to talk to me and I would not stop loving you. I just don't want to put you in another problem again because I love you dearly.

I do sincerely and whole-heartedly apologize for everything. I love you Michael. 

Torn

I feel so sad and down today. I have no one to talk to, and I don't want to bother you with the jealousy that I am feeling. I understand that you are enjoying the company of your workmates and I can't help but be jealous and think of some other things like you brought someone with you today. You invited me before but you did not ask me to come with you again. I understand. It is your company's outing, and I just want you to enjoy. It is not really your fault, I should no longer be feeling this way anymore.

I was much sadder last night that I had a problem with my boss and I have no one to talk to. I did not tell you because I understand that you are so busy with your outing. If you only knew how much I wanted to see you and be my crying shoulder. I can only cry everything to myself, every night, before I go to sleep, waking up with puffy eyes. And I am so torn now while I'm writing you this letter. Weekdays are hard days that we cannot communicate with each other that much because we are both busy, especially you. But the weekends are much harder. I'm always thinking of you, waiting for your texts (a greeting won't hurt) and I would just console myself by crying.

I understand that you need space. It is my fault that I am still living in the past, when I would need you, you would always be there for me, that I would always find myself in you. While I'm writing this letter, my tears keep streaming down my face. Maybe because I love you so much that's why I'm being like this, getting emotional and sensitive. With all the hurt and pain that I am experiencing, sometimes I'm wondering why I am still here. All I know is that I'm loving you so much and I hope you are feeling that.

I don't know how to live everyday, I'm going crazy for loving you this much. I never became the best girlfriend for you but I did everything I can to be your best lover that you will ever have. I'm falling apart and I'm so much torn now. There are so many things running in my mind that a sleep could not even help me. I'm waking up in the middle of my sleep crying and will keep crying until I go back to sleep.

I tried distracting myself but I always find myself constantly thinking of you, wondering if you are still thinking of me too. I miss you always, even when I'm with you, I still do. Even when I'm with my officemates, family or friends, you are the one that I still miss and keep thinking of. It is true that I had never been this in love with anyone before and I have never felt so much hurt and pain that I don't want to experience ever again. I don't know why it seems like love is so hard, why love is equated to hurt and pain, and why love kills me so much inside.

You are still there but most of the time, I feel like I am alone. I'm facing this life on my own. I do not want my love for you die, that's why I am always finding the reasons in me to keep loving you. I tried my best to ignore the pain, wishing that eventually it would go away. If you did something that hurt me, I would try to just ignore it, because I love you so much, and I don't want to fight with you. I understood you and your actions in all possible ways that I can. I kept telling myself that I am no longer your girlfriend and you are no longer my boyfriend so that I would not keep expecting and hoping, which really hurts me so much.

I introduced you to my closest friend because I love you and I am not ashamed that you are my special guy. I gave you my all just to show you that you mean the world to me. I never asked you to introduce me to your friends and give me your other number. I tried my best to understand you. I tried to love you as if I have never been hurt. I tried to love you though it's hurting me, just kept receiving the pain, to love you until it no longer hurts, so that all I have for you is love.

Only love can heal me, that is the only thing that I know for now. I did all the things for you, not just to make it up to you, but to prove you that I can love you more than anyone who could ever love you. Even if I would want to go away, I can't because I don't want to hurt you. Like I have said, it is only you who could make me walk away. It will never come from me to get away from you. That no matter how much I am hurting right now, I'm still here, staying for you, enduring the pain for you. I hope someday you would realize that I loved you more than you'll ever know, that I loved you without conditions and made you the reason for my living, and even made you my life and my joy. Enjoy your outing and do take care always.

Broken Dreams

I am so sad. I have cried so much last night and yet, the pain still lingers here and sadness won't leave me alone. I am grieving for us. And I do not know why our love must come to an end. I know that I still love you so much, more than anyone I have loved before. It hurts me so much that I am moving on from a very important person in my life that I have no other choice but to give you freedom when I would really want to take hold of you. I lament for our broken future. You should have been my destiny, Remember the first time that we met, you prayed that hopefully I'm the one for you. I just don't know if I really am the right person for you or we have the right love at the wrong time. I was dreaming of spending my lifetime with you, walking down the aisle with you, saying "I do" to you in front of the altar, of getting married to you in Batanes, of having two children, of traveling around the world with you, of introducing you to my parents as the man who I want to marry someday, and of growing old with you. Now, all these dreams would only remain as dreams. I would never want to be married if you would not be my groom. I can't ask you to take me back and beg you to love me again. As you have said, we will always be brothers and sisters, bestfriends and confidants.

I do not know how and where I will start. I can't live without you. The pain seems to last forever. I don't like experiencing this so much pain and hurt that I would rather be dead. I don't know how I will be able to take it when one day you are already in love with another woman. I'm going crazy for loving you this much. I can't promise you everything except but to always love you with all my heart and soul. Though we did not get back together, I thank you for letting me love you without asking anything in return from you for three months. I just hope someday that would be enough for you to realize that I indeed loved you so much and a small hope still lives in me that you would be back in my arms again.

If friendship would be the most that you could offer, then I respect your decision. But if you ever change your mind, I'm just here and I would still love you. Every waking day, I pray that you would come back to me and start all over again. But love is not selfish. I don't want to hold you back if you no longer feel the same way for me. I want to give you all the space that you need to be on your own but at the same time, I'll be inches away from you just enough to catch you when you fall or pick you up when you are down.

I still believe that someday, somehow we will find our way back to each other again. For now, I can only hope. But if things do not work for us, I hope that you would still be happy. That you would have someone who can love you more than I did and more than I could, who would never hurt you and make you cry, and who would make you happy.

I will never forget the way we held each other's hand, the way we talked, the way we laughed, our intimate moments, the way your lips touched mine, the warmth of your hug, and all the things that I admire about you. You are indeed extraordinary. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are my prayer. You are my angel. Whoever you are going to fall in love with, she will be the luckiest woman ever.

Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for bringing out the best in me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for everything that you have done for me. I will never forget and appreciate for my entire life your efforts and sacrifices. And I am really sorry for causing you so much pain. I did all the ways I know to make it up to you. It those were not enough, I am sorry but I really tried my best to show that I do love you. I have said this for so many times, but I will repeat it here, I love you so much and I always will. I'll be here waiting for you. I love you dearly.