Torn

I feel so sad and down today. I have no one to talk to, and I don't want to bother you with the jealousy that I am feeling. I understand that you are enjoying the company of your workmates and I can't help but be jealous and think of some other things like you brought someone with you today. You invited me before but you did not ask me to come with you again. I understand. It is your company's outing, and I just want you to enjoy. It is not really your fault, I should no longer be feeling this way anymore.

I was much sadder last night that I had a problem with my boss and I have no one to talk to. I did not tell you because I understand that you are so busy with your outing. If you only knew how much I wanted to see you and be my crying shoulder. I can only cry everything to myself, every night, before I go to sleep, waking up with puffy eyes. And I am so torn now while I'm writing you this letter. Weekdays are hard days that we cannot communicate with each other that much because we are both busy, especially you. But the weekends are much harder. I'm always thinking of you, waiting for your texts (a greeting won't hurt) and I would just console myself by crying.

I understand that you need space. It is my fault that I am still living in the past, when I would need you, you would always be there for me, that I would always find myself in you. While I'm writing this letter, my tears keep streaming down my face. Maybe because I love you so much that's why I'm being like this, getting emotional and sensitive. With all the hurt and pain that I am experiencing, sometimes I'm wondering why I am still here. All I know is that I'm loving you so much and I hope you are feeling that.

I don't know how to live everyday, I'm going crazy for loving you this much. I never became the best girlfriend for you but I did everything I can to be your best lover that you will ever have. I'm falling apart and I'm so much torn now. There are so many things running in my mind that a sleep could not even help me. I'm waking up in the middle of my sleep crying and will keep crying until I go back to sleep.

I tried distracting myself but I always find myself constantly thinking of you, wondering if you are still thinking of me too. I miss you always, even when I'm with you, I still do. Even when I'm with my officemates, family or friends, you are the one that I still miss and keep thinking of. It is true that I had never been this in love with anyone before and I have never felt so much hurt and pain that I don't want to experience ever again. I don't know why it seems like love is so hard, why love is equated to hurt and pain, and why love kills me so much inside.

You are still there but most of the time, I feel like I am alone. I'm facing this life on my own. I do not want my love for you die, that's why I am always finding the reasons in me to keep loving you. I tried my best to ignore the pain, wishing that eventually it would go away. If you did something that hurt me, I would try to just ignore it, because I love you so much, and I don't want to fight with you. I understood you and your actions in all possible ways that I can. I kept telling myself that I am no longer your girlfriend and you are no longer my boyfriend so that I would not keep expecting and hoping, which really hurts me so much.

I introduced you to my closest friend because I love you and I am not ashamed that you are my special guy. I gave you my all just to show you that you mean the world to me. I never asked you to introduce me to your friends and give me your other number. I tried my best to understand you. I tried to love you as if I have never been hurt. I tried to love you though it's hurting me, just kept receiving the pain, to love you until it no longer hurts, so that all I have for you is love.

Only love can heal me, that is the only thing that I know for now. I did all the things for you, not just to make it up to you, but to prove you that I can love you more than anyone who could ever love you. Even if I would want to go away, I can't because I don't want to hurt you. Like I have said, it is only you who could make me walk away. It will never come from me to get away from you. That no matter how much I am hurting right now, I'm still here, staying for you, enduring the pain for you. I hope someday you would realize that I loved you more than you'll ever know, that I loved you without conditions and made you the reason for my living, and even made you my life and my joy. Enjoy your outing and do take care always.