Confessions

Before I start off with this letter, I would very much apologize for everything that I have said and done to you. It is never my intention to hurt you but I did it and I'm really sorry. I believe that what I will tell you here will somehow shed some light to the questions running in your mind. 

To be honest, I really have no idea why I did those hurtful things to you. I'm still assessing myself why I did those things to you. To be honest, for three years that we have known each other, I have treated you as my older brother, bestfriend and confidant. But as time passed by, I realized that I was starting to like you. That I wanted to know you more and I wanted you to know me more too. It is true that that Christmas in 2011, while I was in Ayala Triangle, watching the Lights and Sounds, I was wishing that I would somehow see you. You were the only person then that I was wishing to be enjoying the Christmas with. From that day, it became clear to me then that I have feelings for you. But it was so unexpected that I had a boyfriend then because to me, you were the type of guy who would not tell a girl that you like her or falling for her. I was wishing then that someday there might be a chance for us to be together. I waited for that time. And finally when we were already a couple, I have to admit that I still like you and have feelings for you then but I fell out of love with you along the way. It is all my fault. I was so vulnerable that I easily fall for guys who are attractive and good to me. I was so stupid to let you just simply slip away. That I have only realized that you are a good guy when we broke up. When we were still a couple, I'm sorry but I'll be honest with you. Since we came across each other online, I was thinking that you are just after something like taking advantage of me. And after my unsuccessful past relationships, I had a hard time trusting someone or even entrusting my heart to someone. 

Please do not blame me for treating you as if you were one of my ex boyfriends but do understand me from where I am coming from. You did your best to become the best boyfriend I will ever have. I never complained about everything that you did to me. Like I have said, I have nothing to ask from you. Our relationship would have been very much fulfilling if only I did my part. I take full responsibility for what happened to us. It is all my fault. I am blaming myself everytime that I have lost my chance of being loved by someone who could be trusted and who would never let me down. I am really sorry for letting myself fell for two guys just because of their looks. I know better know. It is true that I did not realize your worth until I lost you and your feelings for me. I wish that I could turn back the time to make things right again.

I wish that I have answered your question. I have no other things to confess because I have told you everything. If I had another boyfriend then, I will not keep it from you. But I never had. I am very much vocal that I fell in love with that 2 guys because that is the truth. I cannot admit anything more because I have told you everything. Please do believe me. 

But my dear, please, do not judge me because of my past, our past. I believe that everyone has the chance to change for the better. Slowly, I am taking changes for you and for myself. I cannot think of any other way to make you somehow feel better but to start with myself. I have learned my lesson of loving and respecting someone while you have him so that you would not regret or resent in the future. If being bestfriends is the most that you could offer, I would accept that whole-heartedly. I just want to make things clear from the past. For you to forget the past, for you to accept my mistakes and forgive me. 

If you would one day leave me, I will understand you. You know what is good and bad for you. You are old enough to decide. If you won't give me another chance then I leave it all to you. I am not in the right position to ask anything from you. I don't want to tell you or enumerate the things that I have done to make it up to you. It is left for you to assess how much I have proven that what I am feeling right now is genuine love. I just don't want to regret one day that I was not able to show how much you mean to me, that finally I am in love with you. And if I could fall in love again in the future or all over and over again, I would still want it to be with you. I sincerely love you, without hesitations, without pretentions, and without boundaries.